Welcome to an entertaining blog about my life and those around me.
A NEW STORY EVERY MONTH!
HOW TO: USE YOUR KIDS AS BAIT
HOW TO: DETECT A PORNFUL PREACHER
I'm so glad you could make it. My name is Nicki Grace (learn more about me here) and my life is a funny, weird, entertaining whirlwind of constant drama. But that's good news for you! Take some time and explore the site by reading stories about my life and those around me, OR just start with the quick laughs below. Regardless, my misery finally has some company... enjoy!
DRAMA RELIEF CORNER
I don't guarantee any of the prescriptions below will help. Some of them might make matters worse... at least I tried!
things they say
"People are always telling me to grab life by the balls and take control of my life. But all life wants to do is squirt cum in my face. I just end up disappointed and sticky, I give up!" -The Friend
"Itching in my pubic area is no reason to go to the doctor. It probably just means I got crabs or something. So I just grabbed some Raid Roach spray and spritzed a little down there, problem solved." -The Extensions
To a complete stranger my mom says:
"Look at your adorable baby! They look just like you and their head is SO BIG! I know your baby will be smart because that head, is massive!" - The mom
"I'm going to stick my foot so far up your ass, when you brush your teeth you'll be shining my shoes." -The Randoms
"I can't stand when random people I don't know talk to me. I'm thinking, shut the fuck up, you don't know me." -The Friend
While playing "Taboo" on vacation, the clue given was:
"Something a guy can give you?"
The Sibling yells: "A diamond."
The Friend yells: "An STD."
SMH, some games will reveal all your business.
"It was so funny. I was pointing and laughing with the other kids on the school bus. Some poor idiot was getting evicted. It wasn't until I saw my bed, lamp and poster that I realized the idiot was me!" - The Extensions
Is there an aerosol version of laughing gas or horse tranquilizer I can purchase so that I can spray it in people's face when they annoy me? -Nicki
"God does talk to me, he told me to kick your ass." - The Extensions
"Why does he want to get all serious? No one wants to meet his kids, just his dick." - The Friend
"Why the fuck is mom calling me asking me why is she crying? How the fuck should I know!!! How can a person not know why they are crying? I'm telling you Nicki, I can't deal." - The Sibling
"If this kid asks me one more question on this 15 hour car ride, I'm going to Benadryl her ass." - The Friend
"I was rushing to get to the toilet but unfortunately I didn't make it. Because it was a diarrhea episode I had shit running down my leg and out of my pants." -The Friend
things they think
"Do you think that a guys penis can stay hard wearing 2-3 condoms?" - The Friend
"Did anyone ever prove that the ocean's salty taste DOES NOT come from whale's sperm? This better not be true!" - The Random
"You don't have to get an actual driver's license once you have the permit. The test after the permit is optional." - The Randoms
"Just because we live together and I married her doesn't mean I am suppose to talk to her everyday. Spouses don't really expect you to say good morning everyday for the rest of your lives do they?" -The Dad
my life as a mom
"Nicki, he took my cookie make him give it back! Nicki, he hit me! Nicki, he won't give me back my water! Nicki, he won't let me out of the room...AGAIN!"
I turn to my ONE year old, and say, "Give your GRANDMA back her water and cookie, stop hitting her and let her out of the closet."
I ask you fellow reader, when does our parent become our kid?!
My kid screams, cries and hugs me so tight sometimes, I swear he's trying to get back inside.
Someone told me kids sleep through the night around 6 months and fall asleep during car rides. ATTENTION! Whoever sends these memos... my kid isn't receiving his.
I want to know what genius said let a kid run around outside because it will burn their energy and they will sleep?
Email me if you are reading this and have the answer, because I just learned the hard way that my kid is solar-powered!
I took my 15 month old with me to visit a friend in the hospital. On the way out of her room I told him to say "Bye". He happily complied but to my embarrassment it sounded a lot like "Die". To make matters worse, he kept saying what sounded like "Die, Die, Die" as I carried him through the hospital, all the way to the car.
"So the "Nip Ninja" decides even though he is a baby, he would like to spend spring break weekend drinking like the college kids. Problem is, his tap is attached to me. I so didn't sign up to be his designated driver."
"My milk is spraying him in the face and he is laughing and dancing around like he is at a pool party."
"It's 3am and the kid is latching then unlatching and yelling at my boob like it's a microphone. I guess he's protesting being fed this way."
LIES THEY TELL
"Just to be clear, I'm not gay. I'm just a man who slept with a man as an experiment." - The Random
"I don't need a man, I just want one so bad I'll die if I don't get one!" - The Friend
"It is true, men's sperm turn into worms after a certain age." - The Mom
"He is your birth father. OK FINE, he isn't, you just seemed to bond with him so well when you were a baby, I figured what's the harm?" - The Extensions
my random vents
Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not interested in making you part of my daily meal plans. The first day I invited you to dinner things went well. Then after a few days, JUST A FEW, you get all soggy and sad looking on me. What’s with the nasty attitude? We just met a few days ago and this is how you act! What am I suppose to do with you now? Did I not hug you tight enough before I went to work and you went to fridge-land? Or is "good veg gone bad" just your M.O.? I will invest in you again but I'm making it known that I am not happy with your way of doing business. If you pull this again, I will consider having my lunch dates with someone else. No one likes a party spoiler.
Fed up (but not by you because you didn’t stick around)
You have become a stalker and it scares me. Everyday when I drive home you are in such close proximity that I am truly starting to feel smothered. Everywhere I turn there you are. My fear is that you are trying to detour me from my route home so that you can keep me hostage. I have even moved away from the city where we met and I'm starting to see traces of you near my suburban home. It's becoming harder and harder to escape you. You act as if I have told you I enjoy your company when I can't stand the sight of you. I am considering having you arrested or filing a restraining order. Every time you show up words are thrown and tempers flare. Someone needs to put an end to you real soon before I take matters into my own hands.
Stay in your lane and get out of mine
DEAR POWER BILL/METER,
Why are you so high? Every month I feel your numbers are different which is weird because my place of residence doesn't get larger. What's with all the mood swings? Can we talk about this?
I feel you should only change twice a year. Once for summer and once for winter. I wish I knew how to read you. You have been attached to my home since forever and we never even speak. I normally forget you are there until I get a letter in the mail from you.
Maybe it is my fault for not learning about you earlier in life but in my defense the other kids weren't doing it and I didn't want to seem uncool. Peer pressure and all you know. I'm just asking you to consider making yourself more understandable so that we can become friends.
If your charges are lower next month I will take that as a sign that you do have a heart and you are open to a friendship and bill lowering negotiations. Eagerly waiting your response.
Confused, happy but somewhat sad, disappointed, a little itchy, glad I got paid but not happy that you take so much of the money because you didn't work any of the hours, heated (but not to heated or else you may charge me more), so instead just the right temperature, trying to process my emotions, until next month.
A DAY IN my LIFE
My mom is on the phone terrified that she will run out of blood, or at the very least, the blood she has will evaporate. The dog has hidden my socks. My one year old just had an alarming diaper explosion. My husband is working late. My friend's hair caught fire during sex. My dad rubbed our lawyer the wrong way and I have to pee.
Touché Drama. Touché
Margret - "Dennis said I smell like pee, so you need to give me a bath."
Nicki - "Sorry you smell like pee mom"
Margret - "Oh don't worry about it. All old people smell like pee. One day, you will too, just keep living."
The Husband: "The Kid peed on me again in the shower and smiled."
The Husband: "And?! I want him to stop"
Nicki: Look at it this way, he can't say I love you yet, so instead he marks his territory. Now it's no question that he loves you and you are forever his."
The Husband: "What are you doing?"
Nicki: "Writing about how my mom applies Raid roach spray to her skin to keep the mosquitos away."
The Husband: "I really should have taken a closer look at your family before jumping in head first."
Nicki: "Oh well, you're stuck now."
The Husband: "Yeah. The return window has definitely closed on this purchase."