HOW TO: SURVIVE A BREAK IN
Life is so unpredictable. You never know what is going to happen from one minute to the next. How you think you will react, you won’t, and vice versa. The good news is, once a situation is over, you can at least look back and re-evaluate which response was right and which was wrong. But sometimes, you just get it all wrong.
He wouldn't go to sleep. Well, maybe he wanted to, just couldn't. He had things on his mind I guess. Contemplating how to give up the bottle, adjusting to a new home after being evicted a year ago and having his decisions made for him when he had just found his voice. He was a one year old after all, and things were truly brutal for him.
I assume that in the midst of all his misery, he decided he needed some company (wonder where he gets that from) and pulled in me and his dad. We wanted no part of it, but being the supportive and loving parents we are, we tried our best to soothe him.
Unfortunately, our attempts were failing big time. He screamed, lashed out and kicked so hard we considered calling the higher ups. Ya know… the grandparents, the pediatrician, possibly even the navy, whatever works. But we knew it wouldn't matter, we were on our own and it was time to “parent”. He didn't have a temperature so at least illness wasn't present, but short of that we were useless. We tried everything. Lullabies, foods, medicine for teething, funny faces (seemed to piss him off more), rocking, a warm bath, toys, etc. At one point we even offered him a bottle of gin (hey, we were desperate), but what a smart man we were raising, he didn't take it.
Checking the time on my phone to see just how long we had been at this losing game, the kid quieted. I looked to see if maybe he had simply passed out, but instead was rewarded with a quizzical look. The light on my phone had piqued his interest and given him reason to pause the tears.
I quickly grabbed it off the night stand and held it out as a peace offering. He slowly accepted it, but stated with his eyes that this device did not guarantee his silence.
I couldn't care less. It was 2AM and it was the best idea we had so far. He started playing around with it and before we knew it, 10 mins had passed and he was still quiet and pressing keys like a mad man. He dialed my sister twice but I disconnected before she answered. I think he was trying to call in reinforcements, but thankfully I was able to set the phone to airplane mode while he was lost in all the colors and cool swiping effects.
Suddenly, the screen went black and to my horror I realized the phone had died. Not missing a beat, my husband passed my son his phone and was able to safely keep the tears at bay. But this kid must have had other plans because once again, he attempted to make calls. Once to his Mimi, then twice to my sister. Ending the calls before they went through, I repeated the trick and also set my husbands phone to airplane mode.
Eventually, his eyes started to get heavy and his grasp on the phone loosened. Minutes after that, he completely dropped it. The surge of peace I felt was overwhelming as I realized that I was now holding a sleeping baby. My husband and I wasted no time laying him down, then doing the same ourselves. I think that was the quickest we ever fell asleep.
A few hours later, we were yanked out of sleep by our home alarm going off. I bolted up, snatched up my kid (we co-sleep) and jumped out of my bed. My husband jump out the bed on his side, quickly retrieved his weapon and then yanked up his work phone (as it was the closest) and dialed 911.
He was gesturing us to come to him, which was a bit pointless as I was already heading his way. Was I rushing to his arms for safety? No. Instead, do you remember that scene from “White Chicks” when Marlon had Diarrhea and pushed in the bathroom past the girl, rushing to get to the toilet? He aggressively shoved her out the way saying “move bitch”. Well that is exactly how it played out with me pushing past my husband into the bathroom.
Where was I going you ask? The bathroom does possess a window, so I guess my baby and I were about to do a jump from the top story. Realizing that I now had a clear exit route, it dawned on me that I had abandoned my husband (whom I love) so I should probably go check on him, grab him and pull him with us. I rounded the corner to see where he was when all of a sudden the alarm ceased. Confused and even more nervous, I stopped and stood still.
In the bedroom, armed and still on the phone with the operator, I heard my husband tell the operator to hold on. I heard him move closer to the bedroom door and then open it. “Are you kidding me” he said laughing.
I made the tough decision to forgo my escape plan, then stepped out of the bathroom and into my bedroom to see what was so funny.
Standing there, looking nervous and peering into the room from the hallway was my sister! She had the deer in headlights look. My relief, paired with the adrenaline, almost brought my eyes to tears and my body to pee itself. I didn’t realize until then that I had to pee and that I was shaking. During the whole ordeal I didn’t feel either, but once the suspected burglar had reveled herself, all emotions rushed in.
What was she doing there? Well, remember those calls the kid was making while playing with the phone? It was late and we thought we hung up before the phone even rung on her end. Come to find out, we didn’t. When she got up for work the next morning she tried to contact us to make sure everything was ok. But unable to reach my husband or myself on our personal phones (because they were still on airplane mode) she panicked and rushed over to make sure everything was ok. Talk about scared shitless!
I’m glad that everything turned out fine and it wasn’t a true break-in. But now considering if it was real, I ask myself, was the bathroom the best exit? Should I have just abandoned my husband the way I did? And last but not least, why didn’t my kid wake up through the whole incident? Some situations, just leave more questions than answers.
Luckily, my husband held no animosity towards me for my aggressive reaction. He actually thought it was hilarious and teased me about him being such an after thought. But I know in truth he wouldn’t have had it any other way because to him, the safety of his family comes before his own.
Have you ever had something like that happen to you? Or worse, be present during a real break-in? How do people bounce back from that? I found myself replaying over and over again what I would do differently and out of nowhere picked up a major interests in Rottweilers as a pet. I figure one for each level of the house and 2 in the backyard should suffice.
Seriously though, it makes you think. All you can do is be as prepared as possible in case you need to go batshit nuts on an unlucky intruder. Just make sure you have some plan. Don't get scared like me and then come up with what may be the dumbest escape plan ever. And my poor husband staying calm and protecting us. Such a good man. Next time, I won’t use my move bitch tactic on him, because I’ll need his strength and skill to open the window.